what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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