I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
