I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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