I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
