i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I fill condoms, not promises.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
