____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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