I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
