WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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