Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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