Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
