Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
