well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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