We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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