i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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