Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
