..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
