Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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