YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
