I faked an abortion last night.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
