I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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