I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
pray to the hookup gods
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
