Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
