You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
