I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
