2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
