Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize