seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
