I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
