I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize