i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
