I'm gonna have a badass scar
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
