You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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