Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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