Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
