You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
