First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
