I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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