I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize