Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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