What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
