Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
