Sorry, I don't speak sober.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
