i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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