The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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