Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
