oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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