i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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