hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
