You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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