God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
