Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
