Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize