Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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