I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
