Fine. I'll sleep in my office
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize