I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
