I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
