then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
