I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
